The manipulative “yes”

Agreeable people are dishonest because they say “yes” when they mean “no”. They do and say what they think you want them to do and say, because they want a certain response out of you. Now this does not mean they aren’t trying to act nobly, they often are; but let’s just call a spade a spade: they’re being manipulative.

Interestingly, as time goes on, the agreeable person loses contact with their true feelings and humanity loses a soul. The tapestry of humankind becomes one person less rich and less varied. By repeatedly putting others before themselves, the first thought becomes “what do they want?” and “what do I want?” vanishes. Or if this ignoble thought does arise, they feel so guilty that they admonish themselves for being selfish.

At this point, let me express my immense compassion to the highly agreeable person. In fact, some of this is self-compassion as I once was one. I used to cover up “no”s with “yes”s all the time and I still catch myself falling back into old habits. Sliding down the agreeableness scale is particularly tricky because self-sacrificing behaviour is lauded. Social inertia resists the honestly disagreeable.

One thought that helped me break free from the prison of other people’s expectations was: “what kind of horrible person would want me to go along with their wishes, if they knew how much it hurt me?” If your mind were transparent and the person you’re trying to please could see all this turmoil, they would need to be incredibly selfish and callous to let you say “yes”. So speak up and see what they say

Love can complicate things here. “I say ‘yes’ because I love them” Well hold on now. Who is the “I” here? It’s not who you really are. It’s the “I” you think you need to be to please them. The honest thought is probably more like: I’m scared that if I say “no”, I’ll be a bad wife or husband or son or daughter or brother or sister or colleague or citizen. If I say “no”, he or she or they or the world will see how selfish and evil I am.

In the eyes of the agreeable person, it’s OK for others to do as they please but not for them. If I do as I please I am selfish. If they do as they please, I had better not get in their way. If you could only take an objective, third-party perspective, you’d see this harsh and irrational imbalance.

A useful tool here is to adopt the perspective of a compassionate witness (the Eternal Grandma, if you like!) who is able to embrace both parties with love and wisdom. What would She empower you to say? Then say it, in your own way, in your own time, with patience and self-compassion as it does not happen overnight.

Best of luck!